I had coffee with a friend of mine from Metro State a few weeks back and we talked about a bunch of stuff; some banal some really heavy and especially the last 15-20 minutes of our conversation. I started talking about what I want, where I’m headed, and just discussing, or rather, skirting, around the subject of what I feel like I am missing. He brought up an anecdote about his sister. At one point in time she decided to reinvent herself and got rid of everything that reminded her of her old self. Posters, metal t-shirts, etc., and started all over with a clean slate.
I have ensconced myself in the BDSM, polyamorous, hedonist lifestyle. I’m not saying that it’s impossible to ditch all that and start completely over for me, or that I even want to, but I need change and the steps required are frightening. I've immersed myself in this lifestyle that I have become comfortable with in that it’s familiar, but I’m left feeling empty. Sure, it feels physically wonderful at the time, but it lacks, again, that depth that I need for myself. I can’t ever be happy having something vacuous and meaningless. It doesn’t last.
And so talking about this, brings to light the fact that I am lonely. It rubs my face in it like a naughty puppy. I am generally unhappy and empty right now regardless of all this activity that I have involved myself in. The sex, the socializing, the coffee. It’s all great, but there's no endgame to them. There’s no point other than to fill my time so that I don’t have to sit at home and be confronted with my mistakes, my misgivings, my loneliness, and my general unhappiness with where I’ve ended up in my life. I don’t want to sit at home and be alone because then I have to think about all those mistakes that I have made that have led me to this empty shell that I am right now. I have no idea how to get myself out of it, nor which direction I even want to go.
I think about the ambivalent feelings that I have towards monogamy versus polyamory, and then the pros and cons of each. Does it sound awesome to have a matriarchy where I take care of several men and women who are there to do my bidding, clean my house, and provide sex when I want it? Yes! It sounds amazing. But is it going to be fulfilling? My immediate answer is no. What I think I want, personally, is to have that one person that is everything to me that one person that I want to do things for, that I want to take care of, that I would allow to take care of me. I don’t mean take care of me in a financial sense. What I mean is that person that knows everything about me. My secrets, my shame, my happiness, my joy, my anger, my sadness. All of it. I miss having that in my life.
And so now I’m wondering what the hell am I going to do with myself? I have no solid answer. Except for the little tidbit that my buddy just put in my ear about scrapping everything that reminds me of the old me, and starting over.
For me, everything has always been centered around sex and relationships. Ever since I was seven I learned that sex was a way to get what you want. A way to have your needs fulfilled, to have somebody love you. And it is so ingrained in me, that even though, intellectually, I know that’s not right, I have the hardest time changing that way of thinking. It gives me anxiety to think about a life where I don’t have sex until I find what I’m looking for. Sex has always been a filler for everything. Boredom, loneliness, happiness. It’s been such a constant in my life that I can’t even fathom going for that long without it. Honestly, I’m not sure it’s something that I am capable of doing right now. This being said, my gut, my intuition, is telling me that this is where I need to start.
I have come to this point in my life before where I feel like I need to cut off extraneous play partners and meaningless relationships in order to get a heading on where I want to go. And without letting go of those empty relationships, I’m not going to be able to find my way.
All that emptiness is like fog on the sea. I cannot guide my ship if I can’t see the stars.
